It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
