i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
