every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
