DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
