Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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