Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
