I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
