Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
