I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
