I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
