what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
