At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
