you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
