It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
