What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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