if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
