how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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