she's into porn, im staying here tonight
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
