if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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