Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
