I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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