Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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