I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
