I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
