It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
