Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
