about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize