You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
