Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
