I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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