Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want a musical about memes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”