My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
