I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
