Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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