did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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