Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
