im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
