apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
