There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Found the puke drawer
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize