i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
