What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
