I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
