lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize