ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
