tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
