There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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