Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
