it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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