Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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