that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize