she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my shit smells like andre
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
