a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
