but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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