Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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