i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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