just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
