she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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