I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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