we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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