My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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