How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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