Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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